My new haven

I moved in to a new place 4 months ago, a 34 sq. meter studio-type room with all the amenities available when I first moved in. The king-size bed, the cabinets, dresser, tv stand and header neatly built-in against the walls, the huge bathroom with an Asian-size bath and two big glass windows that leads to the balcony are included in the package. The balcony of my room that is on the 9th floor gives me not the best view in Bangkok but the chance of being up while towering the rest of the city is magnificiently overwhelming for me. I used to live in apartments which robbed me out the chance of being on top of the building shut off by rest of Bangkok. So indeed, my cousin called it an "apartelle".

My place, as I call it a haven is the only thing I feel so secure, which I can call my own. After I finished work, its the only place where I can shut the rest of the world out and just be simply me. Its the only place where I can find tranquility which school deprives me. Working with 23 kids everyday definitely drives me crazy so I am thankful that I found somewhere in the busy streets of Pattanakarn an apartment that looks rawdy from the outside yet welcoming and neat in the inside.

Its the only place I call home, where love is what I breathe in and out. A place where I can bring my friends and cousins in and have a good time. We can have a good time while sharing the view, laughing our heart out, talking about some good things and shit too, sharing a few bottles of booze on weekends or having a hearty home-cooked meals.

In my place, I can just be lazy. The place looks messy for many days but nobody cares coz I dont live with anyone. No room mate to always deal with, to keep up with or to fight with. I can clean it anytime I want, throw things where ever I want and leave it stinky for as long as I want ( not that I leave it smelly).

My haven is the place where I found my space; space from the people who seem to suffocate me, their nearness which I detest sometimes and their overfamilarity which looks strange to me.

I live alone but in my haven it is like a party for I live with me, myself, with space I love so much, serenity which I always long when I get to work. The TV with some English channels and cartoon channels in Thai give me company.

New Haven, New Life, New Year. I'm looking forward to a happier life in my newly found nest.

Cheers to a New Day

Whattah long day! An extra hour of teaching today left me drained and the manic lesson plan writing which cut my 135 pages down to 68. Woahhhhh I feel so proud of myself as I defeated time and pressure. yayyyy! However, the traffic on my way back home left me stranded for nearly an hour which made it worse to motorcyclist to get thru because of the heavy rain. That moment I felt like everything had conspired against me; the extra class, the lesson planning, the traffic jam and worst of all the rain. All of the sudden the city of Bangkok transformed into a catastrophe; crazy traffic and flooding everywhere. That could be the worst time of my life.

Defying the rain, my taxi was able to escape the traffic and finally I could see my street from the main road. I hurriedly got off from the cab and headed straight to the lift. After a month of being homeless, broke and shattered; I found a home where I could shut the rest of the world and enjoy being alone while listening to music or by merely watching cartoons on a Thai channel. haha with all of these, I can feel my existence, reflect on my self and look from the outside what has been happening to myself lately.

So here I am inside the room that looks so new yet familiar to me. The scent fills my senses and the warmth embraces my soul. Loneliness slowly creeps inside me as I fall back to the past. Too much for that. There's no point of looking back there. I straighten myself up, shrug that feeling as I slowly close that chapter of my life called- Past.

Tomorrow is another day; maybe brighter, maybe duller yet it's a new day. A new life to live, a new experience to endure and a gift to receive. And I close my eyes to that as sleep dwells me in a bit.

that period of the month

Every month I always feel like my being a woman is a curse. This cramping that I experience seem like to ruin my day. The pain, the urge to take a shit, the uneasiness I can feel somewhere in my body which I can't locate are always common. Sometimes, I wish I was born a boy.By then, life would be easier, pain-free, less complicated, defined, more quiet and slower.

A few days before my period, there's this pain somewhere; could be my breasts, my hips, my lower back or my lower abdomen. During this time, my patience is so short that anything or anyone can switch the button on and everything turns into madness. The flaring up is uncontrollable, unpredictable and unstoppable that even the other person who tried to stop what causes the madness or the trouble is almost giving up. The effort is just futile and pointless. The other person wishes he was not there in the first place or wishes he was somewhere sleeping in Neverland.

Sometimes too during this period, people can just annoy me even for the smallest things like when they walk slowly while I was behind them. I try to overtake their slow and smaller steps but it seems like they intentionally block the way. They always drive me crazy. I wanted to push them, or grab their asses or kick them like what my war freak friends told me to do. But I don't want to look like a psycho in the streets grabbing their bums for no apparent reason. lol SO instead of doing it, I just cursed under my breathe and wished I had some magic and turn them into frogs. hehehe

And in a train, bus or boat, when you're getting in and off, amidst the tension there I tried so hard not to step on people's foot. But some people pushed me while saying "excuse me". How can that possibly be? Is it only in Thailand or have people gone that confusing? grrrr So again, most of the days in a month, I get patient with them but for a couple of days I could have smacked someone back.

In most circumstances, the most common group of people I always spend time with are my students. They are 7-8 year old who love to have fun all the time to the extent that the classroom is like a zoo filled with cute little children running to and fro, shouting here and there, climbing up and down and even throwing this small crumpled paper everywhere. So it's not new to me actually and I dealt with it a very long time. BUT my mood which is affected with some hormones is always going up and down. Definitely, there's a small room for patience in my vocabulary. I know when it's coming, so I asked them " Please behave, your teacher is not feeling well." For 15 minutes they sit in their tables and pretend that they do something but when someone started a hush, then the classroom's madness started to break. In a matter of seconds I can just snap at them. But I also feel bad about it. They're just kids and of course when you are young you have so much fun that sometimes you rather play than eat or study. Moreover , as young as they are, their attention span is short.

This is every month, somewhere between the 20th and 30th which I am completely out of control of myself. This is the time when I rather curl up in bed and endure the pain, lock myself in my place and watch TV, sleep if I wanted to and scream if I got pissed off. By this, no one is gonna bear the grunt but me.

my weekend wish

Today is better than yesterday. Maybe it's because today is Tuesday, the second day of my working days. No rushing and my adrenaline is stable which means my mood is better, the people are not so grumpy , the bus driver let me in unlike yesterday, people are more considerate in giving way and the weather is definitely hot not humid. Hmmmm I always like Tuesdays anyway no matter what! That's why I always wish there were three days on weekends, from Saturday to Monday. Call me crazy but rest is a priority for most of people. We can't just work like a dog and deprive ourselves with fun and rest. But sometimes, this reality sinks deep in me. I should be glad that I have two days off, some people have only one, a few doesn't have at all. But right now or most of the times, I just want to wish for it. haha why not?

See, if I have a 3-day weekend that officially starts on Saturday, I could have more time for my self, for my bf and for my friends. After five days of work, I would like to rest on a Friday night so I could go to church on Saturday morning. I haven't been to church lately to renew my faith with God, haven't seen my church friends and I missed those lunches after church. So, I need that visit once again.

Saturday nights are usually the time I meet up with friends to catch up , to talk about the must-to-watch movies and just for plainly girlish things and men (too). I go out normally on a Saturday night mainly because most of the people who work till Friday night or Saturday are off on a Sunday. So there we are, we start with dinner then we head off somewhere for the night. Then after a few unnoticed series of drinking and talking, it's time to stump those itchy feet. Dancing is part of the night, is a must actually. We can have fun, unnoticeable especially if we're with friends. It's so much fun just by sitting and talking with our friends or dancing with them or dozing off in one corner when we exceeded our alcohol limit. Then at the end of the night, we can't just take it all . Our friends sneaked out tho some of them tried to say goodbye but because there's so much fun even me slipped out too.

Then, here comes Sunday. The official rest day,the day to lay our heads on a pillow for that throbbing pain, the day to rest our aching feet because of that irresistible beat. It's the official day to stay at home, ermmmmm in bed to be exact. Sometimes, we need that spa or massage to ease muscle tension or stress. So, there's still more to do. The house is a mess maybe because someone pissed the other night, the laundry needs to be put in the washing machine, the fridge is empty, my working clothes needs to be ironed; the house in general is totally in need of my attention. But, I'm still in bed. What can I do?


That is why Mondays are made, to do the things we missed to do since weekend started. It's the day for me to spend some time talking to my plant in the kitchen, for the laundry, for the dirty floor, for everything I should have done since weekend kicked off. And most especially, it's the time to just go out for a walk in the park and breathe some fresh air; watch nature and people (love it); and feed the fish and the birds. It's a bliss to experience nurture in nature like this. It's a good feeling to at least breathe an ounce of fresh air once a week.

*check *check *check

And it's time to lay down my head on that pillow once again. But this time, to fall asleep.
I don't have to worry if I missed something. I don't have to rush during my first day of work, sweating, grumbling and giving everybody a hard time.




BUT, reality is, I have only 2 and that makes everything different. :)